How moving in together almost broke us up—and the real estate lessons learned
February 27, 2025
How to talk about one of the biggest financial decisions of your life
On Valentine’s Day, as I gazed lovingly into my husband’s eyes (kidding!)... I thought about our biggest challenges.
This is our ninth year together, and it will be the seventh year we have lived together.
If I tell you we almost broke up over moving in together, you better believe me.
Here’s what happened, and how we got through it...
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Watching that video again is a reminder that building a future together takes work.
And some days you just need to sit down with the most important person in your life and talk about money. Or how to get enough of it to buy a home together, since for so many people it’s the biggest financial investment they’ll ever make.
That’s why, after you’ve had “the talk” with your partner, you should both have a talk with me. I’ve been helping couples navigate the world of real estate since my first day on the job!
That’s because being a real estate advisor is kind of like being a couple’s therapist. My role is both to be your representative when you buy or sell your home but also to be someone you can direct your thornier questions to. And I don’t take sides when it comes to sharing my professional advice, even if I’m your wife’s college roommate.
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Are you dreaming of your next home? Book a free 30-minute consultation with me with no strings attached.
I’ve seen it all before. Even just deciding to live together gives some couples the ick — case in point, my husband and me! —you can always tell who’s more excited to sign the lease (or the mortgage documents)! But then there are the difficult conversations about who makes more, who’s paying for what, who has better credit, whose parents have deeper pockets for helping out…
You can’t hide this stuff from the condo/co-op board or mortgage lender. So you should get it all out now before you have to start compiling bank statements and credit reports.
While money makes it happen, figuring out what the future actually looks like is just as important. For example, do you want to live closer to your partners’ parents—or yours? Do you need an extra room for a mancave—or for a baby?
These are heavy, emotional issues. They can reveal uncomfortable truths if you’re not prepared for them.
That’s why you need to start talking about it now.
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Get on the same page
Buying or even renting a home together is a serious commitment that warrants thoughtful communication and planning.
Some stuff you need to discuss and agree on beforehand…
Will you have joint ownership (or joint tenancy if you’re renting) over the home? Or is only one of you going to be on title (or lease) and the other will be an occupant?
What happens if one of you loses your income and you can’t afford your mortgage/rent anymore?
What happens to the property if you get separated or divorced and one of you needs to buy out the other’s share?
If you’re unsure what options you have and their nuanced differences, you and your significant other can talk to a lawyer who specializes in real estate / family law. I’d be more than happy to recommend someone I trust and work with regularly!
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Talking money with your honey
At the point in your relationship when you’re starting to think about living together, you probably have a pretty good idea about your partner’s finances. If you don’t, now’s the time to start talking about it.
(And if you aren’t ready to have this difficult conversation, well, speaking as your trusted real estate advisor, you probably aren’t ready to move in together. Sorry!)
Your approach to this discussion should start with how much income and assets you each have, as well as any liabilities like student loans and credit card debt. The goal should be to only buy as much house as you can afford, and you can also consider paying more toward the down payment or buying down the rate, which could save you money in the long term.
These are some of the most common speed bumps my clients encounter. But when you let me know what you can afford, I can make sure you’re only seeing the best options in your price range. We could even all sit down together and go over what’s out there!
I also recommend figuring out how much you’ll each contribute to costs ahead of time. This is especially crucial if one of you makes substantially more than the other. I don’t need to be a part of that conversation, but I am here as a resource and sounding board. (A lawyer might be helpful, too, since you may decide to divide equity out by each partner’s portion of the contribution.)
Finally, there’s the mortgage application process.
Talking about your finances is one thing. Seeing it all written out in on paper is quite another. If there’s anything surprising (or shocking!) in your bank statements, now’s the time to come clean about it, since you’ll be submitting those and other financial documents to your lender get pre-approved for a mortgage. A financial statement is even a part of the offer submission to most NYC co-ops.
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The shape of things to come
The financial side of things is just half the battle. As your real estate advisor, it’s also my job to guide you through what living together in your next home might look like.
No, I can’t prepare you for the amount of hair your partner will leave in the drain! And I can’t tell you whether to get a dog or a cat. (Get both!)
But I can give you a thorough understanding of what’s out there. I’ll walk you through the logistics of, say, if you’re thinking about starting a family and don’t know how many bedrooms you’ll need. Maybe you just need one or two bedrooms for now, and I can help you decide if it makes sense to upgrade to three (or even four—hello, mother-in-law!) when you’re ready to start welcoming a baby or more in a few years.
A good real estate advisor should also be your neighborhood expert, including being an authority on which coffee shop has the best flat white vs. cold brew, which burger place is the juiciest (and messiest), and knowing what cool events are happening where and when (scroll to the end of this newsletter for some ideas for NYC happenings ).
Even if I don’t operate in that location specifically, I can put you in touch with my trusted local real estate partners (like I already did in Washington DC, North Carolina and Florida!) who do. That means you can talk to me even about moving to another state or even country! (Like if you wanted to move closer to your partner's parents. Or if you wanted to move further away, too. No judgement from me.)
But since most people move after about five to seven years, mostly what I’m going to tell you is this: communicate as clearly and directly with your partner as you can about your expectations for the future, but don’t forget about the present.
Things can and do change! And that’s why you and your partner need to keep talking with each other about this stuff.
I know, these conversations can be hard! But you don’t have to do it alone.
Call me and let’s figure it out together!
Xo,
Judy
